.

Birthdays:

I think after all this time, all I ever want is to feel at home. But this isn't something one can just ask for. 

For me it's always been a big foggy shapeless longing; some times it takes the form of longing for things and receiving them from certain  someones of whom know me so deeply to see that this here directors cut of Terence Malick's Tree of Life and book on Compact Cabins: Simple Living in 1000 Square Feet or Less would be thee thing in which to compete my soul. That's not to day that sometimes it is enough; Sometimes I just long for company, Anyone almost. I feel a deep social obligation to be fucking social on my day of birth, but especially so with the big 2-1 coming up: The big party, the keg stands and drinking games, the bar hops and stumbles, the photos you find on your phone the morning after. 

It's not that I want all that, It's just easier to want it when I'm hard pressed to find that place where there is no such thing as small talk and drinking to forget. 

It's definitely not impossible, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find. 

Let's not get drunk but let's get together and drink to remember. Let's all cook dinner together and burn desert, I'll run out and buy a cake. Let's not wait till 3am to talk about god and everything else we miss about being younger. I promise it will feel just as much like home as the bed you leave every morning to hit snooze.

.

Birthday Wish-list:

1. To feel at home

2. To allow myself to

~M