.

Bullshit:*

I left your house around seven, apologizing too much for staying too long. 




I had nowhere els to go so i took the long way home. Up over Suncrest, I drove to where i had spent new years with some new friends. The sun was just setting and all the colors were were reflecting off that selifan sea we call The Great Salt Lake. I feel like there is something there for me on Antelope Island, i don't know what. The air was so clear.  Didn't stay long. 


.


8:30pm

No one's home. Straight to my room.

I started building my house from the supplies i got from work and stuff picked up from Wal*Mart on my way home:

Foam Core - $2.88
X-acto - $2.47
Extra Blades - $1.97
Pin(x2) - $2.00


.


10:04pm


I  can't do it.


I'll start again in the morning. 


Bed's a mess.


Sleep on floor. 






Then it hits me.




.


12:07pm


15 hours of sleep i didn't deserve. 




Breakfast:


- Tortilla chips left over from last night.




Tore my house apart and started over. 


Made it easy not to think.




.


3:47pm


Started thinking. 


Stopped building.


Half shit house instead of a full one.




.


4:04pm


Cleaned my room.


Dinner:


- Pineapple slices
- Sarah Lee Oatmeal Pie Cookie(s)




.


4:33


Sit on couch stare out window for an hour.


Ignore cat's affections.




Then it hit again.




.


5:44pm


Wash my sheets/blankets/pillow cases.




.


7:32pm


Guitar.


Off to a mediocre skate session with mediocre friends and strangers.


Headphones in.


Feel like shit (but i mild amount of shit).


Texts ignored.


Nothing to note.




.


9:45pm


Dropped off at the corner. 


Hundreds have gathered to watch the fireworks.


Started home.


Stopped, turned around and headed for the foot hills of Mahogany.




.


10:06pm


Hiked till the fireworks started and sat down.


Didn't make it very far.


My favorite was when then city was lit up by the explosion, and it was like day time for a second.






Been cold all day and the breeze started to get to me.






Then it hit, really fucking hard.






    And for no reason i could grasp; just a hole. But not a hole. Maybe empty. No color but not Black and white, just dark. No shape but form. Void. Thought and thoughts swell up and recede. hopeless. ambition-less. I just want to quit.

The thoughts swell:

haveialwaysbeenthiswaywhenigrewupmyfavoritecolorswereblackandredandbutisthismedicaloramijustawimpimoverreactingbuttowhatusnowellmaybeishouldbeokaywhyamdisohoplessrightnowitsnotevenendeeringlikebeingsadsometimesisbutistillwantyoutoknowiamsadihopeimnotsadjustforyoubutitcouldbeijustwantustobeokayiwanttobeokayiwanttowantiwantyouhereijustcantidontknowwhyifeellikethisidontwantanythingijustwanttorunawayandstartmylifealoneandjustscrapebyandwaittodieiwanttobeinloveidontwanttobealoneiwanttocallyourightnowijustneedsomecompanyrightnottellmyhowyouarehowwasyourdayhowwasthatpartyyouwenttolastnightandtheweddingorweddingshowerthingyouwenttoafterileftdidyoumeetanyonenewshouldibejealouswhodidyougowhithwasthefoodgooddidyouhavefunhowwasyournightinparkcityhowwasbreakfastbreakfastwhatdidyoudotodayandtonighthopeyouhadfunmeimfinejustpleasedontstoptalkingalliwanttodoislistenthatsallineedijustneedyoutotalktomeandimscarredbutimscarrediwonteverloveyoubutrightnowalliwantyoutoknowisthatireallylikeyouyoukeepmegoingandbutyouwhativegotandihaventhadanythinglikethisinalongtimeandimsureyoucanseewhybutimscarredtoletgobutmaybeishouldfreeyouihopeimnottyingyoudownbutyoucouldntbetieddownbymeanywaysbutishouldbehappywithussnowandishouldbehappywithmenowihavethisgreatjobinabeatifulbuidingandivegotgoodfriendsandparentswhotryandgoodclothesthetruthisihaventfeltthiscrappysinceafewsummersagoandrightnowijustdontfeelliketryingandihaventhadapropermealintwodaysbutimstuckhereijustwanttotakeoffforaweekaloneinthehighuintasandbutican'tgetworkoffandiworktoomuchand...*

Then Recede:

now

i'm

just

empty.

.

11:03pm

Walk home.

Write this all down.

Eat some slices of turkey and a Nature Valley bar.

Brush teeth.

Go to sleep.

Hope i feel better tomorrow.

It's all i got.


Feeling okay.


things will be better tomorrow.


I'm excited to sleep.

.

“You’ll meet her, she’s very pretty, even though sometimes she’s sad for many days at a time. You’ll see, when she smiles, you’ll love her.”

.

Depression

 |diˈpre sh ən|noun1 severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.• Medicine a condition of mental disturbance characterized by such feelings to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life : clinical depression.• a long and severe recession in an economy or market :the depression in the housing market.• ( the Depression or the Great Depression) the financial and industrial slump of 1929 and subsequent years.2 the lowering or reducing of something : the depression of prices.• the action of pressing down on something : depression of the plunger delivers two units of insulin.• a sunken place or hollow on a surface : the original shallow depressions were slowly converted to creeks.• Astronomy & Geography the angular distance of an object below the horizon or a horizontal plane.• Meteorology a region of lower atmospheric pressure, esp. a cyclonic weather system.ORIGIN late Middle English : from Latin depressio(n-), from deprimere ‘press down’ (see depress ).
.

~M

*sorry. Sorry for all of this post.

I just needed to get this out.