.

.

sleep:

.

It's like that morning-after-some-terrible-thing-happened sadness.

Like I stayed up the whole night wandering the streets and the sun's coming up and I'm thinking, "where the fuck am I? I should call a cab, i've got to go home."

Nothing's happened though. There's a little part of me, inside, that's freaking out-- ready to jump. But I feel okay, all that boils up is a kind-of blankness. 

I don't want to sleep, I just want to talk. I'm the last one out the door of class and I always manage to say something ridiculous and stupid to the teacher, who i don't know why i think he would give a shit, but hoping to start a conversation of any kind. I'm never ready to just go home lately, I'm not ready to call it a day.

Even dropped by Spencer's on my way home to talk nothings. He was with a girl, said i could come up and i did, though i just should've just gone home. I kept saying "There was something really important i needed to tell you, i just can't remember. I'll text you if i think of it," trying to convince myself there really was something i had to tell him.

Now I'm just up far too late and I'm just... i don't know-- feeling better now that I'm getting some of it out, I guess. Not like a couple days ago though. Sorry about that, it was a strange, sad morning. I didn't really understand what i did until my friend at work told me how sad it was. I don't know if I miss her or if I miss not being alone. 

You should come over though. Sleep on my floor with me, i've got work early, but we can 

get coffee and i'll take you home. Yeah?

~M

Thank you Ave.

.

                 :

I had a dream about you the other night. 

I remembered waking up just before my alarm went off and thinking, "no, no go back to sleep."

And I laid back down,

Just to spend a little more time with you.

I miss you so much.

~M

This was written

at 3:15am.

sorry.

I don't want to

take it down 

though. 

1/2:

If i don't wake up tomorrow, this is what i leave behind:

- Half a life

- Family who half knows me

- Books only started/half finished:

                               The Catcher in the Rye ~ J.D. Salanger 

                               The Picture of Dorian Gray ~ Oscar Wilde

                               A Heart Breaking Work of a Staggering Genius ~ Dave Eggers

                               Atlas Shrugged ~ Ayn Rand

                               Body Language ~ Julias Fast

                               The Fabric of the Cosmos ~ Brian Greene

                               You Get So Alone At Times It Just Makes Sense ~ Charles Bukowski 

                               The Teachings Of Buddha ~ Bukkyo Dendo Kyokai

- Projects not started/half finished:

                               Motorcycle

                               Cover of Speak For Yourself Vol.1

                               Bedroom

                               Car

                               Update Photo-Blog

                               Make a clock/shelves for room

                               Dream journal

                               Daily Journal

                               Street art

                               

- Goals not started/incomplete:

                               College 

                               Move out

                               Write more

                               Draw more 

                               Read more

                               Play guitar more

                               Play piano More

                               Climb more

                               Skate more

                               Walk more

                               Bike more

                               Hate myself less

                               Hate less

                               Learn Violin

                               See a Therapist  

                               Get rid of bad habits

                               Save more money

                               Stop worrying about money

                               Stop worrying

- Days Half spent Staring out windows: ?

- Half Learned Moonlight Sonata

- Half finished/never started*/never to be/never to be finished/ruined love affairs:

                                Rachel

                                Kait

                                Mikelle

                                Carrie

                                Annie

                                Avery

                                Madisen

                                Madison

                                Ryann (Female)

                                Erin

                                Keili

                                Melissa

                                Monica

                                Michelle

                                Melissa

                                Lucie

                                Kim

                                Lizi

                                Emily

                                That girl in the blue dress at the fleet foxes concert

                               

                               *90% of them

                                

- People I want(ed) to tell the truth to, but never will be able to:

                                Rachel
                                Kait
                                Mikelle
                                Carrie
                                Annie
                                Avery
                                Madisen
                                Madison
                                Ryann (Female)
                                Erin
                                Keili
                                Melissa
                                Melissa
                                Monica
                                Michelle
                                Lucie
                                Kim
                                Lizi
                                Emily
                                That girl in the blue dress at the fleet foxes concert
                                Mom

- Half written songs on guitar and piano: 13

- Half empty sketchbooks: 9

- Half empty journals: 1

- Unfulfilled promises to other people: Hundreds

- Unfulfilled promises to myself: Thousands 

- Unconquered fears:

                                 Heights 

                                 Water

                                 Commitment

                                 The dark

                                 The future

                                 Hospitals

                                 Failing at what I love

                                 Expectations

                                 Normality

                                 Mediocrity 

                                 Stagnation

                                 Getting fat

                                 Growing old

                                 Death

                                 

-

-

-

-

I hate this.

I have to stop.

I'm sorry.

~M

                                 

                                

                                                           

                               

                               

                               

                               

                               

                        

.

Tomorrow will never come if I don't fall asleep.

~M

.

(Press Play)

  

Right where it Belongs:

+

It's like I'm watching home movies. 
Everyones life's projected on the walls of a little white room.

 All i can hear is a quiet old piano over a quiet static, like the first song you learned to play. Muffled voices, ask me if I'm okay, and sing me happy birthday around a candle-lit dinning table. 
The little things are always the ones to repeat:

The way your fingers touch the rim of your glass.

The pause after each smile.

The way you look into the camera,
as if you can see me on the other side,
looking at you now.

Three frames... Then pause.

Three frames... then pause.

Your first steps.

All I can see is how unhappy you are 
and it hurts so much to see it.

I don't know what to do. 

I'm crying too 
hard now.

~M

Detached

 [dɪˈtætʃt]
adj.

1. disconnected or standing apart; not attached a detached house

2. (Psychology) having or showing no bias or emotional involvement; disinterested

3. (Business / Industrial Relations & HR Terms) Social welfare working at the clients' normal location rather than from an office; not dependent on premises for providing a service a detached youth worker Compareoutreach [7]

4. (Medicine) Ophthalmol (of the retina) separated from the choroid layer of the eyeball to which it is normally attached, resulting in loss of vision in the affected part

Adj.	1.	detached - showing lack of emotional involvement; "adopted a degage pose on the arm of the easy chair"- J.S.Perelman; "she may be detached or even unfeeling but at least she's not hypocritically effusive"; "an uninvolved bystander" degage, uninvolved unconcerned - lacking in interest or care or feeling; "the average American...is unconcerned that his or her plight is the result of a complex of personal and economic and governmental actions...beyond the normal citizen's comprehension and control"; "blithely unconcerned about his friend's plight"
	2.	detached - being or feeling set or kept apart from others; "she felt detached from the group"; "could not remain the isolated figure he had been"- Sherwood Anderson; "thought of herself as alone and separated from the others"; "had a set-apart feeling" separated, set-apart, isolated separate - independent; not united or joint; "a problem consisting of two separate issues"; "they went their separate ways"; "formed a separate church"
	3.	detached - no longer connected or joined; "a detached part"; "on one side of the island was a hugh rock, almost detached"; "the separated spacecraft will return to their home bases" separated unconnected - not joined or linked together
	4.	detached - used of buildings; standing apart from others; "detached houses"; "a detached garage" architecture - the discipline dealing with the principles of design and construction and ornamentation of fine buildings; "architecture and eloquence are mixed arts whose end is sometimes beauty and sometimes use" attached - used of buildings joined by common sidewalls; "a block of attached houses"
	5.	detached - lacking affection or warm feeling; "an uncaring person" unaffectionate, uncaring unloving - not giving or reciprocating affection

.

"The nicest thing about feeling happy is that you 
think you’ll never be unhappy again"

.

I know I want to live, That's for certain. 

I'm Just not entirely sure why.

~M