1/2:

If i don't wake up tomorrow, this is what i leave behind:

- Half a life

- Family who half knows me

- Books only started/half finished:

                               The Catcher in the Rye ~ J.D. Salanger 

                               The Picture of Dorian Gray ~ Oscar Wilde

                               A Heart Breaking Work of a Staggering Genius ~ Dave Eggers

                               Atlas Shrugged ~ Ayn Rand

                               Body Language ~ Julias Fast

                               The Fabric of the Cosmos ~ Brian Greene

                               You Get So Alone At Times It Just Makes Sense ~ Charles Bukowski 

                               The Teachings Of Buddha ~ Bukkyo Dendo Kyokai

- Projects not started/half finished:

                               Motorcycle

                               Cover of Speak For Yourself Vol.1

                               Bedroom

                               Car

                               Update Photo-Blog

                               Make a clock/shelves for room

                               Dream journal

                               Daily Journal

                               Street art

                               

- Goals not started/incomplete:

                               College 

                               Move out

                               Write more

                               Draw more 

                               Read more

                               Play guitar more

                               Play piano More

                               Climb more

                               Skate more

                               Walk more

                               Bike more

                               Hate myself less

                               Hate less

                               Learn Violin

                               See a Therapist  

                               Get rid of bad habits

                               Save more money

                               Stop worrying about money

                               Stop worrying

- Days Half spent Staring out windows: ?

- Half Learned Moonlight Sonata

- Half finished/never started*/never to be/never to be finished/ruined love affairs:

                                Rachel

                                Kait

                                Mikelle

                                Carrie

                                Annie

                                Avery

                                Madisen

                                Madison

                                Ryann (Female)

                                Erin

                                Keili

                                Melissa

                                Monica

                                Michelle

                                Melissa

                                Lucie

                                Kim

                                Lizi

                                Emily

                                That girl in the blue dress at the fleet foxes concert

                               

                               *90% of them

                                

- People I want(ed) to tell the truth to, but never will be able to:

                                Rachel
                                Kait
                                Mikelle
                                Carrie
                                Annie
                                Avery
                                Madisen
                                Madison
                                Ryann (Female)
                                Erin
                                Keili
                                Melissa
                                Melissa
                                Monica
                                Michelle
                                Lucie
                                Kim
                                Lizi
                                Emily
                                That girl in the blue dress at the fleet foxes concert
                                Mom

- Half written songs on guitar and piano: 13

- Half empty sketchbooks: 9

- Half empty journals: 1

- Unfulfilled promises to other people: Hundreds

- Unfulfilled promises to myself: Thousands 

- Unconquered fears:

                                 Heights 

                                 Water

                                 Commitment

                                 The dark

                                 The future

                                 Hospitals

                                 Failing at what I love

                                 Expectations

                                 Normality

                                 Mediocrity 

                                 Stagnation

                                 Getting fat

                                 Growing old

                                 Death

                                 

-

-

-

-

I hate this.

I have to stop.

I'm sorry.

~M

                                 

                                

                                                           

                               

                               

                               

                               

                               

                        

.

Tomorrow will never come if I don't fall asleep.

~M

.

(Press Play)

  

Right where it Belongs:

+

It's like I'm watching home movies. 
Everyones life's projected on the walls of a little white room.

 All i can hear is a quiet old piano over a quiet static, like the first song you learned to play. Muffled voices, ask me if I'm okay, and sing me happy birthday around a candle-lit dinning table. 
The little things are always the ones to repeat:

The way your fingers touch the rim of your glass.

The pause after each smile.

The way you look into the camera,
as if you can see me on the other side,
looking at you now.

Three frames... Then pause.

Three frames... then pause.

Your first steps.

All I can see is how unhappy you are 
and it hurts so much to see it.

I don't know what to do. 

I'm crying too 
hard now.

~M

Detached

 [dɪˈtætʃt]
adj.

1. disconnected or standing apart; not attached a detached house

2. (Psychology) having or showing no bias or emotional involvement; disinterested

3. (Business / Industrial Relations & HR Terms) Social welfare working at the clients' normal location rather than from an office; not dependent on premises for providing a service a detached youth worker Compareoutreach [7]

4. (Medicine) Ophthalmol (of the retina) separated from the choroid layer of the eyeball to which it is normally attached, resulting in loss of vision in the affected part

Adj.	1.	detached - showing lack of emotional involvement; "adopted a degage pose on the arm of the easy chair"- J.S.Perelman; "she may be detached or even unfeeling but at least she's not hypocritically effusive"; "an uninvolved bystander" degage, uninvolved unconcerned - lacking in interest or care or feeling; "the average American...is unconcerned that his or her plight is the result of a complex of personal and economic and governmental actions...beyond the normal citizen's comprehension and control"; "blithely unconcerned about his friend's plight"
	2.	detached - being or feeling set or kept apart from others; "she felt detached from the group"; "could not remain the isolated figure he had been"- Sherwood Anderson; "thought of herself as alone and separated from the others"; "had a set-apart feeling" separated, set-apart, isolated separate - independent; not united or joint; "a problem consisting of two separate issues"; "they went their separate ways"; "formed a separate church"
	3.	detached - no longer connected or joined; "a detached part"; "on one side of the island was a hugh rock, almost detached"; "the separated spacecraft will return to their home bases" separated unconnected - not joined or linked together
	4.	detached - used of buildings; standing apart from others; "detached houses"; "a detached garage" architecture - the discipline dealing with the principles of design and construction and ornamentation of fine buildings; "architecture and eloquence are mixed arts whose end is sometimes beauty and sometimes use" attached - used of buildings joined by common sidewalls; "a block of attached houses"
	5.	detached - lacking affection or warm feeling; "an uncaring person" unaffectionate, uncaring unloving - not giving or reciprocating affection

.

"The nicest thing about feeling happy is that you 
think you’ll never be unhappy again"

.

I know I want to live, That's for certain. 

I'm Just not entirely sure why.

~M

.

The Grand Canyon:

My dreams never align with reality so i try my best to never 

dream them in the fist place. But i'm still struggling with the constant 

"What could be."

 When those thoughts of going to school and get my degree and running off to the edge of nowhere, where i can build homes with what's in my head and my heart and the strength in my bones, I have to hide them away. 

They wont last long out here. 

Hopes are like are pieces of rock i've broken from a sandstone heart.

They'll leave you with nothing but fist-fulls of sand and this desert that you've been lost in since you first wrote it in crayon: 

ARCHITECT.

So I've Given away all my pens and paint brushes. I've flushed all my lottery tickets, burned all my journals and old photographs--i never want to long for something that has come and past again. I threw my Ipod in the river, and drove my car into the lake. I even took the pieces of my motorcycle back to the salvage yard. I deleted all the songs and audio books off my computer; that drag and drop folder and all 628 of my friends on facebook.
All gone, and i hardly feel a thing.

I'm no longer young.

My knees creak.

My back aches.

I'm falling apart.

All i have left to do with my time is let this flood wear me away year after year.

 Now the tourist come from all over.

They stare into that vast expanse where i used to be, and feel so small.

Planes fly over head and pilots will announce my passing underneath them.

Between drinks,

you look out your window and and say, 

"wow, isn't that grand?"

.

Desolation 

-

|ˌdesəˈlā sh ən|nouna state of complete emptiness or destruction : the stony desolation of the desert. See note at solitude .• anguished misery or loneliness : in choked desolation, she watched him leave.ORIGIN late Middle English : from late Latin desolatio(n-), from Latin desolare ‘to abandon’ (see desolate )..

"Don't waste the water. Yeah, don't drink it now."

~M

.

How To Like It

These are the first days of fall. The wind
at evening smells of roads still to be traveled,
while the sound of leaves blowing across the lawns
is like an unsettled feeling in the blood,
the desire to get in a car and just keep driving.
A man and a dog descend their front steps.
The dog says, Let’s go downtown and get crazy drunk.
Let’s tip over all the trash cans we can find.
This is how dogs deal with the prospect of change.
But in his sense of the season, the man is struck
by the oppressiveness of his past, how his memories
which were shifting and fluid have grown more solid
until it seems he can see remembered faces
caught up among the dark places in the trees.
The dog says, Let’s pick up some girls and just
rip off their clothes. Let’s dig holes everywhere.
Above his house, the man notices wisps of cloud
crossing the face of the moon. Like in a movie,
he says to himself, a movie about a person
leaving on a journey. He looks down the street
to the hills outside of town and finds the cut
where the road heads north. He thinks of driving
on that road and the dusty smell of the car
heater, which hasn’t been used since last winter.
The dog says, Let’s go down to the diner and sniff
people’s legs. Let’s stuff ourselves on burgers.
In the man’s mind, the road is empty and dark.
Pine trees press down to the edge of the shoulder,
where the eyes of animals, fixed in his headlights,
shine like small cautions against the night.
Sometimes a passing truck makes his whole car shake.
The dog says, Let’s go to sleep. Let’s lie down
by the fire and put our tails over our noses.
But the man wants to drive all night, crossing
one state line after another, and never stop
until the sun creeps into his rearview mirror.
Then he’ll pull over and rest awhile before
starting again, and at dusk he’ll crest a hill
and there, filling a valley, will be the lights
of a city entirely new to him.
But the dog says, Let’s just go back inside.
Let’s not do anything tonight. So they
walk back up the sidewalk to the front steps.
How is it possible to want so many things
and still want nothing. The man wants to sleep
and wants to hit his head again and again
against a wall. Why is it all so difficult?
But the dog says, Let’s go make a sandwich.
Let’s make the tallest sandwich anyone’s ever seen.
And that’s what they do and that’s where the man’s
wife finds him, staring into the refrigerator
as if into the place where the answers are kept-
the ones telling why you get up in the morning
and how it is possible to sleep at night,
answers to what comes next and how to like it.

~Stephen Dobyns

.

Benediction:

I don't 

know what i was so afraid of.

Happy to be friends

again.

And for the last time:

Thank you.

.

|ˌbeniˈdik sh ən|nounthe utterance or bestowing of a blessing, esp. at the end of a religious service.• ( Benediction) a service in which the congregation is blessed with the Blessed Sacrament, held mainly in the Roman Catholic Church.• devout or formal invocation of blessedness : her arms outstretched in benediction.• the state of being blessed : he eventually wins benediction.ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French from Latinbenedictio(n-), from benedicere ‘wish well, bless,’ from bene‘well’ + dicere ‘say.’

~M

.

Resolution:

I shouldn't let myself to feel this shitty about us.

Any black Subaru in any parking lot or on any street makes my heart sink; the chance of seeing you anywhere makes my hands shake. 

And seeing you today--I don't know... It's Like i'm only watching memories.  

I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself.

I'm over reacting, i know. It shouldn't be this big of a deal.

I never was. Not for you. But i'm still having a hard time and

I know i shouldn't and I don't know what's wrong with me.

I miss the friendship most. 

But I'm done feeling sorry for myself.

I'm ready to be friends 

again.

.

Recover

 |riˈkəvər|verb1 [ intrans. ] return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength : Neil is still recovering from shock | the economy has begun to recover.• ( be recovered) (of a person) be well again : you'll be fully recovered before you know it.2 [ trans. ] find or regain possession of (something stolen or lost) : police recovered a stolen video.• regain control of (oneself or of a physical or mental state): he recovered his balance and sped on | one hour later I had recovered consciousness.• regain or secure (compensation) by means of a legal process or subsequent profits : many companies recovered their costs within six months.• make up for (a loss in position or time) : the French recovered the lead.• remove or extract (an energy source or industrial chemical) for use, reuse, or waste treatment.noun ( the recover)a defined position of a firearm forming part of a military drill :bring the firelock to the recover.DERIVATIVESrecoverer nounORIGIN Middle English (originally with reference to health): from Anglo-Norman French recoverer, from Latinrecuperare ‘get again.’THE RIGHT WORDIf you lose or let go of something and find it either by chance or with effort, you recover it (: recover the stolen artwork).Although it is often used interchangeably with recover,regain puts more emphasis on the search or effort involved in getting back something you have been deprived of (:regain one's position as chairperson; regain one's eyesight).Recoup refers to the recovery of something similar or equivalent to what has been lost, usually in the form of compensation (: he tried to recoup his gambling losses).Reclaim and restore both involve bringing something back to its original condition or to a better or more useful state. Reclaim is usually associated with land (: reclaim neglected farmlands), while restore is linked to buildings or objects of art (: restore an eighteenth-century house).Retrieve implies that something has slipped beyond reach, and that a concerted effort or search is required to recover it (: her desperate efforts to retrieve the family dog from the flooded house).

~M

*I love that you have no clue 

that any of this is going on.

I'll do my very best to 

keep it from knowing
what's going 
on.
But who am i 
kidding.