Draft - 4/24/12

"

No matter what the doctors say, you have the strongest heart of anyone I know,

They just don't know how hard it works to keep you going. 

"

Kyle's heart has a mermer and will give out someday. They'll put a piece if a pig heart--maybe a valve or something-- to keep it going and he'll, like he always has, continue to push through with what he's got; awkwardly, apologetically, zealously, passionately. 

~M

.

 

She's an unwelcome shudder on the worst of her days

And despite the bad moods, she won't go away

She's as stubborn as winter and as kind as the sun

And she won't freeze or burn anyone

On most days she drives me home, out of her way

And when I say "Drive safe" I mean it, today

Because I'm a tough luck friend

I'll reckon she'll stay with me, til the end

And it means more than I pretend

Her car's like a sauna made mostly of smoke

And it glides back to her's, mostly nights, like a ghost

And nothing is said unless it needs to be

I'll watch a movie, she'll fall asleep

She's one of those who when you're talking, you'll see

She's really listening to someone like me

Why was she listening to someone like me?

Because I'm a tough shit friend

And I'll reckon she'll stay with me til the end

And it means more than I pretend

And I know I'm awful, I can't even cry

It's about time I told her and looked in her eyes

"You're my best friend, I'll love you til one of us dies

You're my best friend, I'll love you til one of us dies

You're my best friend, I'll love you til one of us dies"

.

I want you to ask me how I'm doing and I want to you know I'm not so well.


 

~M

.

Keaton Henson - Small Hands from Keaton Henson on Vimeo.

Draft - 4/19/12

"

You shouldn't be reading into me, you should be reading into you.





I'm nothing to special.

"

I 'm digging through my drafts and unabashedly posting them one by one. 

Edits will be in red. 

Some need explaining. 

Some don't. 

Some I can't explain myself. 

This isn't really a strong one to start on. 

~M

.

~M

.

The Ambiguous "You."






ambiguity 

|ˌambiˈgyoō-itē|

.noun ( pl. -ties)uncertainty or inexactness of meaning in language : we can detect no ambiguity in this section of the Act |ambiguities in such questions are potentially very dangerous.• a lack of decisiveness or commitment resulting from a failure to make a choice between alternatives : the film is fraught with moral ambiguity.ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French ambiguiteor Latin ambiguitas, from ambiguus ‘doubtful’ (seeambiguous ).

ambiguous 

|amˈbigyoōəs|

.adjective(of language) open to more than one interpretation; having a double meaning : the question is rather ambiguous |ambiguous phrases. See note at doubtful .• unclear or inexact because a choice between alternatives has not been made : this whole society is morally ambiguous | the election result was ambiguous.DERIVATIVESambiguously adverbORIGIN early 16th cent. (in the sense [indistinct, obscure]): from Latin ambiguus ‘doubtful’ (from ambigere ‘waver, go around,’ from ambi- ‘both ways’ + agere ‘to drive’ ) + -ous .

___________________________

 To: You

There is so much i want to tell you, but you wont listen.There is so much i want to ask you, but you change the subject.You are everything to me and 

i hate you and i love you and you are nothing to me.I need to understand you. It's so hopeless.I need you to understand me. You are hopeless.Please leave my aloneor tell me who you are. Please.

_________

solitude |ˈsäləˌt(y)oōd|

.nounthe state or situation of being alone : she savored her few hours of freedom and solitude.• a lonely or uninhabited place.ORIGIN Middle English : from Old French, or from Latinsolitudo, from solus ‘alone.’THE RIGHT WORDLoneliness, which refers to a lack of companionship and is often associated with unhappiness, should not be confused with solitude, which is the state of being alone or cut off from all human contact (: the solitude of the lighthouse keeper).You can be in the midst of a crowd of people and still experience loneliness, but not solitude, since you are not physically alone. Similarly, if you enjoy being alone, you can have solitude without loneliness.Lonesomeness is more intense than loneliness, suggesting the downheartedness you may experience when a loved one is absent (: she experienced lonesomeness following the death of her dog).Desolation is more intense still, referring to a state of being utterly alone or forsaken (: the widow's desolation). Desolation can also indicate a state of ruin or barrenness (: the desolation of the volcanic islands).Alienation, disaffection, and estrangement have less to do with being or feeling alone and more to do with emotions that change over time.Alienation is a word that suggests a feeling of unrelatedness, especially a feeling of distance from your social or intellectual environment (: alienation from society).Disaffection suggests that you now feel indifference or even distaste toward someone you were once fond of (:a wife's growing disaffection for her husband), whileestrangement is a voluntary disaffection that can result in complete separation and strong feelings of dislike or hatred (: a daughter's estrangement from her parents).
.
This is what i need.

~M

.

_______:

You are the reason why I fantasize about desiels wandering into my lane on my way to work.

_______________

How To Like It
by Stephen Dobyns 






These are the first days of fall. The wind
at evening smells of roads still to be traveled,
while the sound of leaves blowing across the lawns
is like an unsettled feeling in the blood,
the desire to get in a car and just keep driving.
A man and a dog descend their front steps.
The dog says, Let’s go downtown and get crazy drunk.
Let’s tip over all the trash cans we can find.
This is how dogs deal with the prospect of change.
But in his sense of the season, the man is struck
by the oppressiveness of his past, how his memories
which were shifting and fluid have grown more solid
until it seems he can see remembered faces
caught up among the dark places in the trees.
The dog says, Let’s pick up some girls and just
rip off their clothes. Let’s dig holes everywhere.
Above his house, the man notices wisps of cloud
crossing the face of the moon. Like in a movie,
he says to himself, a movie about a person
leaving on a journey. He looks down the street
to the hills outside of town and finds the cut
where the road heads north. He thinks of driving
on that road and the dusty smell of the car
heater, which hasn’t been used since last winter.
The dog says, Let’s go down to the diner and sniff
people’s legs. Let’s stuff ourselves on burgers.
In the man’s mind, the road is empty and dark.
Pine trees press down to the edge of the shoulder,
where the eyes of animals, fixed in his headlights,
shine like small cautions against the night.
Sometimes a passing truck makes his whole car shake.
The dog says, Let’s go to sleep. Let’s lie down
by the fire and put our tails over our noses.
But the man wants to drive all night, crossing
one state line after another, and never stop
until the sun creeps into his rearview mirror.
Then he’ll pull over and rest awhile before
starting again, and at dusk he’ll crest a hill
and there, filling a valley, will be the lights
of a city entirely new to him.
But the dog says, Let’s just go back inside.
Let’s not do anything tonight. So they
walk back up the sidewalk to the front steps.
How is it possible to want so many things
and still want nothing. The man wants to sleep
and wants to hit his head again and again
against a wall. Why is it all so difficult?
But the dog says, Let’s go make a sandwich.
Let’s make the tallest sandwich anyone’s ever seen.
And that’s what they do and that’s where the man’s
wife finds him, staring into the refrigerator
as if into the place where the answers are kept-
the ones telling why you get up in the morning
and how it is possible to sleep at night,
answers to what comes next and how to like it.

_______________

A humble hopelessness. A learned helplessness. 

That is what i am becoming:

Hollow.

____________

empty |ˈem(p)tē|

.

adjective ( -tier , -tiest )containing nothing; not filled or occupied : he took his empty coffee cup back to the counter | the room wasempty of furniture.• figurative (of words or a gesture) having no meaning or likelihood of fulfillment; insincere : his answer sounded a little empty | empty threats.• figurative having no value or purpose : her life felt empty and meaningless.• informal hungry.• Mathematics (of a set) containing no members or elements.• emotionally exhausted : at the funeral he stood feeling drained and empty.verb ( -ties, -tied) [ trans. ]remove all the contents of (a container) : we empty the cash register each night at closing time | pockets wereemptied of loose change.• remove (the contents) from a container : he emptied out the contents of his briefcase.• [ intrans. ] (of a place) be vacated by people in it : the bar suddenly seemed to empty.• [ intrans. ] ( empty into) (of a river) discharge itself into (the sea or a lake).noun ( pl. -ties) (usu. empties) informala container (esp. a bottle or glass) left empty of its contents.PHRASESrunning on empty exhausted of all one's resources or sustenance.empty vessels make the most noise (or sound) proverbthose with least wisdom or knowledge are always the most talkative.on an empty stomach see stomach .DERIVATIVESemptily |-təlē| adverbemptiness |-tēnis| nounORIGIN Old English ǣmtig, ǣmetig [at leisure, unoccupied, empty,] from ǣmetta [leisure,] perhaps from ā[no, not] + mōt [meeting] (see moot )..
"There is so much danger in indifference."
~M

.

It's killing me,

I need to know who you are.

~M

.

And then it really starts raining.

~M

.

We may not have solved anything, but at least i know That now. 

Maybe i've always known that. I feel its always been there, or maybe it's to hard to imagine that it was never there in the first place; I know i don't, I know i can't, and i know now how important that is.


________________________


In math there are no solutions that equal infinity. 


I mean there are these:

In real analysis, the symbol , called "infinity", denotes an unbounded limit.  means that x grows without bound, and  means the value of x is decreasing without bound. If f(t) ≥ 0 for every t, then

•  means that f(t) does not bound a finite area from  to 
•  means that the area under f(t) is infinite.
•  means that the total area under f(t) is finite, and equals 

Infinity is also used to describe infinite series:

•  means that the sum of the infinite series converges to some real value .
•  means that the sum of the infinite series diverges in the specific sense that the partial sums grow without bound.

Infinity is often used not only to define a limit but as a value in the affinely extended real number system. Points labeled  and  can be added to the topological space of the real numbers, producing the two-pointcompactification of the real numbers. Adding algebraic properties to this gives us the extended real numbers. We can also treat  and  as the same, leading to the one-point compactification of the real numbers, which is the real projective line. Projective geometry also introduces a line at infinity in plane geometry, and so forth for higher dimensions.

.

But those are all just different ways of saying X is infinite/Not finite/With out a limit.

Infinity = Infinity, That's all.

But what does it mean to have no limit? what is infinity?

Wikipedia says:

Infinity (symbol: ∞) refers to something without any limit, and is a concept relevant in a number of fields, predominantly mathematics and physics. Having a recognizable history in these disciplines reaching back into the time of ancient Greek civilization, the term in the English language derives from Latin infinitas, which is translated as "unboundedness".^[1]

In mathematics, "infinity" is often treated as if it were a number (i.e., it counts or measures things: "an infinite number of terms") but it is not the same sort of number as the real numbers. In number systems incorporating infinitesimals, the reciprocal of an infinitesimal is an infinite number, i.e. a number greater than any real number. Georg Cantor formalized many ideas related to infinity and infinite sets during the late 19th and early 20th centuries. In the theory he developed, there are infinite sets of different sizes (called cardinalities).^[2]For example, the set of integers is countably infinite, while the set of real numbers is uncountably infinite.

.

Dictionary.com says:

in·fi·nite

   [in-fuh-nit]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

immeasurably great: an infinite capacity for forgiveness.

2.

indefinitely or exceedingly great: infinite sums of money.

3.

unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration oftime, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space.

4.

unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinitemercy.

5.

Mathematics .

a.

not finite.

b.

(of a set) having elements that can be put into one-to-one correspondence with a subset that is not the givenset.

.

Dictionary widget says:

infinity |inˈfinitē|

.noun ( pl. -ties)the state or quality of being infinite : the infinity of space.• an infinite or very great number or amount : an infinity of excuses.• Mathematics a number greater than any assignable quantity or countable number (symbol ∞).• a point in space or time that is or seems infinitely distant : the lawns stretched into infinity.ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French infinite orLatin infinitas, from infinitus (see infinite ).
.
And even in the book House of Leaves there's this:
"Even though they are usually difficult to calculate, resonance frequencies, also known as eigenfrequencies or natural frequencies, can be easily determined for a perfectly rectangular room with hard smooth walls. The following formula describes the resonance frequencies [⨍] in a room with a length if L, width of W, and hight of H, where the velocity of sound equals c:

Notice that if L, W, and H all equal ∞. ⨍ will equal 0.

"
That chapter was all about Echos and went on to say:

"Myth makes Echo the subject of longing and desire. Physics makes Echo the subject of distance and design. Where emotions and reason  are concerned both claims are accurate.And where there is no Echo there is no description of space or love. There is only Silence."

But how can i understand the silence? The infinite, Echoless universe? How can i understand all the "Little Infinities" in my life. From You to me, to the god damn dirt under my finger nails. to Why our Parents Fight, why we cry and hate and love. why we believe in god or family or friendship. Why we all don't want to be alone, and why we are all so sad, but still just happy enough.

In House of Leaves, the House Had a way of changing its shape to the occupant's perceptions. It took them days to find the bottom of that stair case, but when they came back the second time it took minutes. The only difference between the two trips was they knew there was a bottom. But still, in the end Will Navidson finds himself falling/floating/rising in the infinite labyrinth of the House. At the end of it all, it was Just him and infinite Darkness. He found no end. But, just before the ground disappeared beneath him, Will Navidson found something/nothing/everything in that House; an answer of the infinite sort. An answer that isn't really an answer at all, to a question that had nothing to do with with the book but everything to do with the book. A question that i may have been the only one asking:

How can you Understand Infinite? 
How Can you understand something that has no limit?

The answer, 

You Can't.

~M