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Revision - A Rough Cut

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(I hate titles)

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      You see, as a child the sun used to set behind these clouds. It'd throw it's colors to our sky and it'd paint our skin gold, and When we slept these clouds held our dreams. But not any more.

These clouds used to roll themselves into great storms and we'd stay up all night to watch the lightning strike. We'd run out into the streets and with our bare feet we would dam up the warm water. and then all at once, we'd let it all go. 

Did you see the tidal waves we made in our streets? Did you let them sweep you off your feet? Or did you run to higher ground? 

Rain ran off our cheeks and into the streets that turned to rivers and i bought a canoe. 
Cul de sacs turned to lakes and we built a dock and soon a harbor; our community was thriving.

We opened a general store and Ship after ship would pour in. We'd buy and sell and trade. We had fish, crab and fur, markets. A boat yard, a pub, an inn, a brothel. We had a blacksmith, a baker, a farmer, a milk man, students, teachers, a wig maker, a basket maker, a dress maker, a day maker, Deckhands, servants, muck rakers, framers, roofers, Soldiers, criminals, bums, junkies, cobbler, con men, and clowns. We Thew parties and reenacted boston tea parties. We smoked and drank and fought and made up. We fell in love and broke hearts; cat called and caught glances, but never gathered the courage to go talk to her.

We had it all,

but the only thing we were missing was you.

We awoke that morning to sirens and an ambulance on your lawn.

Your mom had found face down in your bed. 

You were soaking wet and your lungs were filled with water.

I got in just as your heart stopped and your mom lost it she was hysterical and a swear your dad broke your hand he was squeezing it so hard as the medics were frantically trying to pound life back into you 15 beats at a time praying to dear God no please no you can do this.

                                    

                               You can make it!     

                                                      no     no  NO!

 please...

            

 no         no...       

                                           you can't...

You can't do this..... 

                         PLEASE. 

                                                      Don't take him from us.

                  you can't take him from us.

he's not ready...              

                                                     I'm not ready.                                                         

                                         

                                           

                                     GOD DAMNIT!

                                

                               DON"T DO THIS!

                                                        You can't do this!

                      

please...

 And it worked.

But for only a moment. 

Your eyes opened and the room went still.

You were paralyzed, you stayed still. 

There was something you couldn't say.

It was so quiet. 

You looked so scared.

You were struggling under the weight.

There was something you couldn't say.

It felt like an eternity before your eyes met mine.

Your eyes fluttered for a moment and like a wave of light that washed over 

you, the fear washed away. And you knew.

This was it.

 Oceans swelled in your eyes so deep i nearly drown 

right there with you.

Then  

I understood. 

And with one last breath,

you Let go.

I left the room quieter than before;

The medics not trying once more to resuscitate you,

You mom no longer crying, 

And your father still squeezing your 

possibly broken hand.

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~M

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Too Bad*:

You're a whole lot older than me, i know that.

 I know that it's a lot harder on you than it is me and i'm sorry. 

But that may not even be the problem, cause sometimes i'm just not that 
fun to be around, trust me i know. 


I'm not very good with this.

Sometimes i just don't know what to 
think. I guess that makes sense.

You Keep me at a certain distance, and some times it feels like your pushing me at other girls.

I think I get why.

I'm not asking you to love me, or make me your boyfriend, 

or "LTR", or anything like that.

I just want you to ask me to come over

every now and then.

Say "I miss you."

Text me back.

.

"Just nod your head if your mind's been changed.
Shake it, love, if some hope remains.
Just say the word and of course I'll stay.
Roll you eyes and I'll go away.
Just, please
Don't leave me guessing.
Just, please
Don't keep me waiting."

~M

*This was written a little bit ago.

It sounds dramatic here, i know. It 

reads a lot more so than than i 

intended. Probably was feeling dramatic. 

Sorry if you are reading this before

i've had the chance to talk to you,

but you haven't really been around 

for the last couple of weeks.

.

Good-morning California:

To Do List:

Nothing.*

.

"The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you 

love, your life will flash by."

~M

*Check

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Alexithymia:

I was hoping to find some glorious new insight into my world of depression upon re-reading my post this past weekend. But yet again, i've managed only to inadequately capture that empty space that sits between my two lungs.

~M

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Things are the same.

&

Things are good.*








~M

*Thanks for letting me blog at you.

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Bullshit:*

I left your house around seven, apologizing too much for staying too long. 




I had nowhere els to go so i took the long way home. Up over Suncrest, I drove to where i had spent new years with some new friends. The sun was just setting and all the colors were were reflecting off that selifan sea we call The Great Salt Lake. I feel like there is something there for me on Antelope Island, i don't know what. The air was so clear.  Didn't stay long. 


.


8:30pm

No one's home. Straight to my room.

I started building my house from the supplies i got from work and stuff picked up from Wal*Mart on my way home:

Foam Core - $2.88
X-acto - $2.47
Extra Blades - $1.97
Pin(x2) - $2.00


.


10:04pm


I  can't do it.


I'll start again in the morning. 


Bed's a mess.


Sleep on floor. 






Then it hits me.




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12:07pm


15 hours of sleep i didn't deserve. 




Breakfast:


- Tortilla chips left over from last night.




Tore my house apart and started over. 


Made it easy not to think.




.


3:47pm


Started thinking. 


Stopped building.


Half shit house instead of a full one.




.


4:04pm


Cleaned my room.


Dinner:


- Pineapple slices
- Sarah Lee Oatmeal Pie Cookie(s)




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4:33


Sit on couch stare out window for an hour.


Ignore cat's affections.




Then it hit again.




.


5:44pm


Wash my sheets/blankets/pillow cases.




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7:32pm


Guitar.


Off to a mediocre skate session with mediocre friends and strangers.


Headphones in.


Feel like shit (but i mild amount of shit).


Texts ignored.


Nothing to note.




.


9:45pm


Dropped off at the corner. 


Hundreds have gathered to watch the fireworks.


Started home.


Stopped, turned around and headed for the foot hills of Mahogany.




.


10:06pm


Hiked till the fireworks started and sat down.


Didn't make it very far.


My favorite was when then city was lit up by the explosion, and it was like day time for a second.






Been cold all day and the breeze started to get to me.






Then it hit, really fucking hard.






    And for no reason i could grasp; just a hole. But not a hole. Maybe empty. No color but not Black and white, just dark. No shape but form. Void. Thought and thoughts swell up and recede. hopeless. ambition-less. I just want to quit.

The thoughts swell:

haveialwaysbeenthiswaywhenigrewupmyfavoritecolorswereblackandredandbutisthismedicaloramijustawimpimoverreactingbuttowhatusnowellmaybeishouldbeokaywhyamdisohoplessrightnowitsnotevenendeeringlikebeingsadsometimesisbutistillwantyoutoknowiamsadihopeimnotsadjustforyoubutitcouldbeijustwantustobeokayiwanttobeokayiwanttowantiwantyouhereijustcantidontknowwhyifeellikethisidontwantanythingijustwanttorunawayandstartmylifealoneandjustscrapebyandwaittodieiwanttobeinloveidontwanttobealoneiwanttocallyourightnowijustneedsomecompanyrightnottellmyhowyouarehowwasyourdayhowwasthatpartyyouwenttolastnightandtheweddingorweddingshowerthingyouwenttoafterileftdidyoumeetanyonenewshouldibejealouswhodidyougowhithwasthefoodgooddidyouhavefunhowwasyournightinparkcityhowwasbreakfastbreakfastwhatdidyoudotodayandtonighthopeyouhadfunmeimfinejustpleasedontstoptalkingalliwanttodoislistenthatsallineedijustneedyoutotalktomeandimscarredbutimscarrediwonteverloveyoubutrightnowalliwantyoutoknowisthatireallylikeyouyoukeepmegoingandbutyouwhativegotandihaventhadanythinglikethisinalongtimeandimsureyoucanseewhybutimscarredtoletgobutmaybeishouldfreeyouihopeimnottyingyoudownbutyoucouldntbetieddownbymeanywaysbutishouldbehappywithussnowandishouldbehappywithmenowihavethisgreatjobinabeatifulbuidingandivegotgoodfriendsandparentswhotryandgoodclothesthetruthisihaventfeltthiscrappysinceafewsummersagoandrightnowijustdontfeelliketryingandihaventhadapropermealintwodaysbutimstuckhereijustwanttotakeoffforaweekaloneinthehighuintasandbutican'tgetworkoffandiworktoomuchand...*

Then Recede:

now

i'm

just

empty.

.

11:03pm

Walk home.

Write this all down.

Eat some slices of turkey and a Nature Valley bar.

Brush teeth.

Go to sleep.

Hope i feel better tomorrow.

It's all i got.


Feeling okay.


things will be better tomorrow.


I'm excited to sleep.

.

“You’ll meet her, she’s very pretty, even though sometimes she’s sad for many days at a time. You’ll see, when she smiles, you’ll love her.”

.

Depression

 |diˈpre sh ən|noun1 severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.• Medicine a condition of mental disturbance characterized by such feelings to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life : clinical depression.• a long and severe recession in an economy or market :the depression in the housing market.• ( the Depression or the Great Depression) the financial and industrial slump of 1929 and subsequent years.2 the lowering or reducing of something : the depression of prices.• the action of pressing down on something : depression of the plunger delivers two units of insulin.• a sunken place or hollow on a surface : the original shallow depressions were slowly converted to creeks.• Astronomy & Geography the angular distance of an object below the horizon or a horizontal plane.• Meteorology a region of lower atmospheric pressure, esp. a cyclonic weather system.ORIGIN late Middle English : from Latin depressio(n-), from deprimere ‘press down’ (see depress ).
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~M

*sorry. Sorry for all of this post.

I just needed to get this out.