.

Too Bad*:

You're a whole lot older than me, i know that.

 I know that it's a lot harder on you than it is me and i'm sorry. 

But that may not even be the problem, cause sometimes i'm just not that 
fun to be around, trust me i know. 


I'm not very good with this.

Sometimes i just don't know what to 
think. I guess that makes sense.

You Keep me at a certain distance, and some times it feels like your pushing me at other girls.

I think I get why.

I'm not asking you to love me, or make me your boyfriend, 

or "LTR", or anything like that.

I just want you to ask me to come over

every now and then.

Say "I miss you."

Text me back.

.

"Just nod your head if your mind's been changed.
Shake it, love, if some hope remains.
Just say the word and of course I'll stay.
Roll you eyes and I'll go away.
Just, please
Don't leave me guessing.
Just, please
Don't keep me waiting."

~M

*This was written a little bit ago.

It sounds dramatic here, i know. It 

reads a lot more so than than i 

intended. Probably was feeling dramatic. 

Sorry if you are reading this before

i've had the chance to talk to you,

but you haven't really been around 

for the last couple of weeks.

.

Good-morning California:

To Do List:

Nothing.*

.

"The only way to be happy is to love. Unless you 

love, your life will flash by."

~M

*Check

.

.

Alexithymia:

I was hoping to find some glorious new insight into my world of depression upon re-reading my post this past weekend. But yet again, i've managed only to inadequately capture that empty space that sits between my two lungs.

~M

.

Things are the same.

&

Things are good.*








~M

*Thanks for letting me blog at you.

.

Bullshit:*

I left your house around seven, apologizing too much for staying too long. 




I had nowhere els to go so i took the long way home. Up over Suncrest, I drove to where i had spent new years with some new friends. The sun was just setting and all the colors were were reflecting off that selifan sea we call The Great Salt Lake. I feel like there is something there for me on Antelope Island, i don't know what. The air was so clear.  Didn't stay long. 


.


8:30pm

No one's home. Straight to my room.

I started building my house from the supplies i got from work and stuff picked up from Wal*Mart on my way home:

Foam Core - $2.88
X-acto - $2.47
Extra Blades - $1.97
Pin(x2) - $2.00


.


10:04pm


I  can't do it.


I'll start again in the morning. 


Bed's a mess.


Sleep on floor. 






Then it hits me.




.


12:07pm


15 hours of sleep i didn't deserve. 




Breakfast:


- Tortilla chips left over from last night.




Tore my house apart and started over. 


Made it easy not to think.




.


3:47pm


Started thinking. 


Stopped building.


Half shit house instead of a full one.




.


4:04pm


Cleaned my room.


Dinner:


- Pineapple slices
- Sarah Lee Oatmeal Pie Cookie(s)




.


4:33


Sit on couch stare out window for an hour.


Ignore cat's affections.




Then it hit again.




.


5:44pm


Wash my sheets/blankets/pillow cases.




.


7:32pm


Guitar.


Off to a mediocre skate session with mediocre friends and strangers.


Headphones in.


Feel like shit (but i mild amount of shit).


Texts ignored.


Nothing to note.




.


9:45pm


Dropped off at the corner. 


Hundreds have gathered to watch the fireworks.


Started home.


Stopped, turned around and headed for the foot hills of Mahogany.




.


10:06pm


Hiked till the fireworks started and sat down.


Didn't make it very far.


My favorite was when then city was lit up by the explosion, and it was like day time for a second.






Been cold all day and the breeze started to get to me.






Then it hit, really fucking hard.






    And for no reason i could grasp; just a hole. But not a hole. Maybe empty. No color but not Black and white, just dark. No shape but form. Void. Thought and thoughts swell up and recede. hopeless. ambition-less. I just want to quit.

The thoughts swell:

haveialwaysbeenthiswaywhenigrewupmyfavoritecolorswereblackandredandbutisthismedicaloramijustawimpimoverreactingbuttowhatusnowellmaybeishouldbeokaywhyamdisohoplessrightnowitsnotevenendeeringlikebeingsadsometimesisbutistillwantyoutoknowiamsadihopeimnotsadjustforyoubutitcouldbeijustwantustobeokayiwanttobeokayiwanttowantiwantyouhereijustcantidontknowwhyifeellikethisidontwantanythingijustwanttorunawayandstartmylifealoneandjustscrapebyandwaittodieiwanttobeinloveidontwanttobealoneiwanttocallyourightnowijustneedsomecompanyrightnottellmyhowyouarehowwasyourdayhowwasthatpartyyouwenttolastnightandtheweddingorweddingshowerthingyouwenttoafterileftdidyoumeetanyonenewshouldibejealouswhodidyougowhithwasthefoodgooddidyouhavefunhowwasyournightinparkcityhowwasbreakfastbreakfastwhatdidyoudotodayandtonighthopeyouhadfunmeimfinejustpleasedontstoptalkingalliwanttodoislistenthatsallineedijustneedyoutotalktomeandimscarredbutimscarrediwonteverloveyoubutrightnowalliwantyoutoknowisthatireallylikeyouyoukeepmegoingandbutyouwhativegotandihaventhadanythinglikethisinalongtimeandimsureyoucanseewhybutimscarredtoletgobutmaybeishouldfreeyouihopeimnottyingyoudownbutyoucouldntbetieddownbymeanywaysbutishouldbehappywithussnowandishouldbehappywithmenowihavethisgreatjobinabeatifulbuidingandivegotgoodfriendsandparentswhotryandgoodclothesthetruthisihaventfeltthiscrappysinceafewsummersagoandrightnowijustdontfeelliketryingandihaventhadapropermealintwodaysbutimstuckhereijustwanttotakeoffforaweekaloneinthehighuintasandbutican'tgetworkoffandiworktoomuchand...*

Then Recede:

now

i'm

just

empty.

.

11:03pm

Walk home.

Write this all down.

Eat some slices of turkey and a Nature Valley bar.

Brush teeth.

Go to sleep.

Hope i feel better tomorrow.

It's all i got.


Feeling okay.


things will be better tomorrow.


I'm excited to sleep.

.

“You’ll meet her, she’s very pretty, even though sometimes she’s sad for many days at a time. You’ll see, when she smiles, you’ll love her.”

.

Depression

 |diˈpre sh ən|noun1 severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.• Medicine a condition of mental disturbance characterized by such feelings to a greater degree than seems warranted by the external circumstances, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life : clinical depression.• a long and severe recession in an economy or market :the depression in the housing market.• ( the Depression or the Great Depression) the financial and industrial slump of 1929 and subsequent years.2 the lowering or reducing of something : the depression of prices.• the action of pressing down on something : depression of the plunger delivers two units of insulin.• a sunken place or hollow on a surface : the original shallow depressions were slowly converted to creeks.• Astronomy & Geography the angular distance of an object below the horizon or a horizontal plane.• Meteorology a region of lower atmospheric pressure, esp. a cyclonic weather system.ORIGIN late Middle English : from Latin depressio(n-), from deprimere ‘press down’ (see depress ).
.

~M

*sorry. Sorry for all of this post.

I just needed to get this out.

.

A rough cut; a grad speech:

Twelve years we are done. We have each fought our own battle and some of us barely made it. Scraping up credits and making up our attendance on the last of days. trying so hard just to pull our crap together and graduate. Others sailing through AP exams and finals with straight A's and Collegial scholarships. Others on the in-between. But no matter how you got here, you got here, and congratulations are in order. We've made it; Class of 2012. 

The only problem now is knowing where to go from here; I mean this is the rest of our lives. When it comes down to it, all meaning is man-made. We were the ones in charge of assigning value to gravel and gold, coal and diamonds, love and life. All things that have been made great, we have made great. We are the ones with the price guns and it is up to us to put a value on our lives.

How much is it worth to you?

We're leaving the safe waters of our harbor and venturing into the storm. We are doing this and we are alone, and I hope you know what you want. Not what you need, that's easy, but what you want. That is what will define our futures, it's everything; your compass, your ores, your sales, and your hull, your whole. With out knowing that your ship will sink.

So build with all you have, beg and steal and scratch and claw. Do what you have to get your ship afloat. Then raise your sails, set off, and pray with everything in your heart it wont fall apart. And hope, if it does, you will have the strength to start over.

.

Want 

.

|wänt; wônt|verb1 [ trans. ] have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for : I want an apple | [with infinitive ] we want to go to the beach | [ trans. ] she wanted me to go to her room | [intrans. ] I'll give you a lift into town if you want.• wish to consult or speak to (someone) : Tony wants me in the studio.• (usu. be wanted) (of the police) desire to question or apprehend (a suspected criminal) : he is wanted by the police in connection with an arms theft.• desire (someone) sexually : I've wanted you since the first moment I saw you.• [with present participle ] informal chiefly Brit. (of a thing) require to be attended to in a specified way : the wheel wants greasing.• [with infinitive ] informal ought, should, or need to do something : you don't want to believe everything you hear.• [ intrans. ] ( want in/into/out/away) informal desire to be in or out of a particular place or situation : if anyone wants out, there's the door.2 [ intrans. ] chiefly archaic lack or be short of something desirable or essential : you shall want for nothing while you are with me. See note at lack .• [ trans. ] (chiefly used in expressions of time) be short of or lack (a specified amount or thing) : it wantedtwenty minutes to midnight | it wants a few minutes offive o'clock.noun1 chiefly archaic a lack or deficiency of something :Victorian houses which are in want of repair | it won't be through want of trying.• the state of being poor and in need of essentials; poverty : freedom from want.2 a desire for something : the expression of our wants and desires.PHRASESfor want of because of a lack of (something) : for want of a better location we ate our picnic lunch in the cemetery.ORIGIN Middle English : the noun from Old Norse vant, neuter of vanr ‘lacking’ ; the verb from Old Norse vanta[be lacking.] The original notion of “lack” was early extended to “need,” and from this developed the sense[desire.].
"Don't Wait."
~M