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__________:

You Broke my stupid heart.

~M




"When you miss those you gave yourself to, you end up missing yourself."

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Mobile Dispatch: Dec10th, 2014 - 3:00am "I didn't wait up for you. As soon as I heard you had gone else where to drink and most likley to sleep I knew my waiting for you was done. I just needed to sober up so I could get home to my own bed... I guess any other bed or couch seemed better than your own with me in it. The worst part of it is, I'm only half thruthing when I say I didn't wait up for you to come back to your place and invite me, out of care and in sacrifice of a fuller nights rest, into your bed and into your warmth. I can't help it, there will Always be this hope. I feel like a damn fool. I was counting on you to do right by me though this is something I have no right to expect, I just can't help but to feel a little abandoned. This I can only carry and whatever you choose to shoulder is your own to carry, and that's okay. It's yours. I just want you to see this is what is weighing me down right now and even if it seems foolish to carry, I hope you can trust what It is that makes me choose to shoulder what I do and that it does matter to me. It just felt like such a convinient half-truth that you need a better nights rest and that's something you don't often find wIth someone else in your bed--I may be wrong. I waited at your place to help you into your bed and see you open my gift and from there i'd've made my way home (with the faint hope invitation). I'm just sad that you chose what seemed like a late night refuge over that." ~M

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_______________:

This all comes down on me. 

There is no greater hell than the suffering that one must endure entirely alone.

I'm breaking under the weight of your silence.



It feels like all day I've been stumbling around doubled over all day.
You've punched me right in my heart's stomach.

I'm desperate to ask,

"What the fuck?"

I know I know the answer though,
but I'll try and keep from asking 

because I don't know if I want to know that I know I know.
Because I know I can't carry that,
not right now.

I'm treading water and
I'm desperate to tell you,

"I'm drowning out here.
I'm so alone
and I'm drowning 

out here."

Your silence is torture.

"Can you hear me?

Do you see what I carry?

It's wrapped around my neck and pulling me down.

I'm dying out here."

And from the shore, you see my arms in the air
and mid sentence, you wave back

 then you politely rejoin your conversation,
happy to see I'm having fun.



~M

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Birthdays:

I think after all this time, all I ever want is to feel at home. But this isn't something one can just ask for. 

For me it's always been a big foggy shapeless longing; some times it takes the form of longing for things and receiving them from certain  someones of whom know me so deeply to see that this here directors cut of Terence Malick's Tree of Life and book on Compact Cabins: Simple Living in 1000 Square Feet or Less would be thee thing in which to compete my soul. That's not to day that sometimes it is enough; Sometimes I just long for company, Anyone almost. I feel a deep social obligation to be fucking social on my day of birth, but especially so with the big 2-1 coming up: The big party, the keg stands and drinking games, the bar hops and stumbles, the photos you find on your phone the morning after. 

It's not that I want all that, It's just easier to want it when I'm hard pressed to find that place where there is no such thing as small talk and drinking to forget. 

It's definitely not impossible, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find. 

Let's not get drunk but let's get together and drink to remember. Let's all cook dinner together and burn desert, I'll run out and buy a cake. Let's not wait till 3am to talk about god and everything else we miss about being younger. I promise it will feel just as much like home as the bed you leave every morning to hit snooze.

.

Birthday Wish-list:

1. To feel at home

2. To allow myself to

~M

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A Big Bang on a Small Scale:

When I see you I see a life I'm afraid to lose--our love's greatest potential. Home movies that long from now I wont be able to help going back to. 

-

I'm opening the door to our room and you're sitting on the bed across from me and I'm remembering our first date.

Fire in the back yard and I told how life is stupid and beautiful and it's okay, that's what keeps me going.

The lamp on your night stand shines dim and golden and you don't turn to look and I close the door behind me.

I'm remembering following you through the city after dinner with friends and how beautiful the street lamps couldn't help but to look with you underneath them.

I'm walking to your side of the bed as you run your fingers through your hair.

I'm remembering me driving you home and It was you in my car and you were putting you hair up the way you always and I had never felt so at home with someone in my life.

Soft skin and freckled shoulders.
I'm remembering you up before the sun, making us coffee naked in our first kitchen--your bare feet on the hardwood floor.

I sit down next to you and you wipe all four fingers across your cheek to where they come to rest half under your jaw.

I'm remember my shaking hands putting a ring into yours.

You turn and look at me a mess and you've never been more than you are now.

And I'm remembering The way you looked at me when I first said I love you.

-

This was our first fight

and I'm afraid it will never happen.

~M

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________:

I can finally say I'm proud of this.

~M