.

“I’m sorry for laughing out of place.
I tend to feel awkward and laughing is my way of evading the incoming silence.
I know I’m weird sometimes.
Well, a lot of the time.
But since my normal quiet self didn’t fit in, I decided to try something different.
I guess this isn’t working either.
I apologize for staring.
Believe me, there are many thoughts going through my head that I just can’t put into sentences and before I know it, I get lost in the fear of saying something wrong and then don’t say anything at all.
I’m not the best looking guy around. 
I get wrinkles on my forehead, I get pimples in the weirdest places, and I’m shorter than I’d like to be.
I’m quite soft spoken.
If I’m raising my voice it’s more or less to not be such an outcast, than it is to really get my point across.
I have a tendency to sing, usually when I think no one is listening.
If you pay attention to what I sing, you may learn a bit of my story.
I sleep and daydream a lot.
Sometimes it’s because I’m tired, or bored.
Other times it’s for a temporary escape
If I’m devoted to something, eating just may come second. 
So please don’t get mad if I’m not eating lunch with you from time to time.
I write a lot of poetry.
But as of late I’ve been looking at the world through broken windows; they cracked under the pressure of holding things in just like my heart did and no matter how much I write about love, truly I’m afraid of it, afraid of messing up somehow.
I have a tendency of making things like this piece of writing longer than they need to be.
I guess what I’m trying to say is..
I’m sorry for being a mess.”

maxwelldpoetry, “To The Ones Who Deal With Me Daily”

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Incandescence: 

They say It's always the nice one's that get burned.

So burn.

.

It will hurt in every moment of every day.
Sometimes it will reduce to a smolder  and you will become
gently numb to the pain and 
life will be beautiful.

Sometimes it will swallow you up.
Sheets of flames and smoke and heat too thick to see through.
It will bring you to your knees and 
still life will be beautiful.

It will be beautiful
because you are giving the world 
and yourself
light.
~M



"...so I pulled my heart out and placed it in a lantern."

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"I'm sorry about me":

Torture is having seen yourself at your best and having to deal constantly with yourself at less; feeling like you constantly need to live up to that and how exhausting that is; how you're constantly letting yourself down; how you feel the need to constantly apologize for yourself; feeling like a stranger in your own head; all your decisions are no longer between "right and wrong" but now between "wrong and hopefully less wrong".

I'm sorry, I'm a mess and you can't see it It's all you can see.

I am beautiful, I just don't know when or how.

Maybe you'll see it some day.

I hope you see it one day.

~M

.

__________:

You Broke my stupid heart.

~M




"When you miss those you gave yourself to, you end up missing yourself."

.

Mobile Dispatch: Dec10th, 2014 - 3:00am "I didn't wait up for you. As soon as I heard you had gone else where to drink and most likley to sleep I knew my waiting for you was done. I just needed to sober up so I could get home to my own bed... I guess any other bed or couch seemed better than your own with me in it. The worst part of it is, I'm only half thruthing when I say I didn't wait up for you to come back to your place and invite me, out of care and in sacrifice of a fuller nights rest, into your bed and into your warmth. I can't help it, there will Always be this hope. I feel like a damn fool. I was counting on you to do right by me though this is something I have no right to expect, I just can't help but to feel a little abandoned. This I can only carry and whatever you choose to shoulder is your own to carry, and that's okay. It's yours. I just want you to see this is what is weighing me down right now and even if it seems foolish to carry, I hope you can trust what It is that makes me choose to shoulder what I do and that it does matter to me. It just felt like such a convinient half-truth that you need a better nights rest and that's something you don't often find wIth someone else in your bed--I may be wrong. I waited at your place to help you into your bed and see you open my gift and from there i'd've made my way home (with the faint hope invitation). I'm just sad that you chose what seemed like a late night refuge over that." ~M

.

_______________:

This all comes down on me. 

There is no greater hell than the suffering that one must endure entirely alone.

I'm breaking under the weight of your silence.



It feels like all day I've been stumbling around doubled over all day.
You've punched me right in my heart's stomach.

I'm desperate to ask,

"What the fuck?"

I know I know the answer though,
but I'll try and keep from asking 

because I don't know if I want to know that I know I know.
Because I know I can't carry that,
not right now.

I'm treading water and
I'm desperate to tell you,

"I'm drowning out here.
I'm so alone
and I'm drowning 

out here."

Your silence is torture.

"Can you hear me?

Do you see what I carry?

It's wrapped around my neck and pulling me down.

I'm dying out here."

And from the shore, you see my arms in the air
and mid sentence, you wave back

 then you politely rejoin your conversation,
happy to see I'm having fun.



~M

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Birthdays:

I think after all this time, all I ever want is to feel at home. But this isn't something one can just ask for. 

For me it's always been a big foggy shapeless longing; some times it takes the form of longing for things and receiving them from certain  someones of whom know me so deeply to see that this here directors cut of Terence Malick's Tree of Life and book on Compact Cabins: Simple Living in 1000 Square Feet or Less would be thee thing in which to compete my soul. That's not to day that sometimes it is enough; Sometimes I just long for company, Anyone almost. I feel a deep social obligation to be fucking social on my day of birth, but especially so with the big 2-1 coming up: The big party, the keg stands and drinking games, the bar hops and stumbles, the photos you find on your phone the morning after. 

It's not that I want all that, It's just easier to want it when I'm hard pressed to find that place where there is no such thing as small talk and drinking to forget. 

It's definitely not impossible, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find. 

Let's not get drunk but let's get together and drink to remember. Let's all cook dinner together and burn desert, I'll run out and buy a cake. Let's not wait till 3am to talk about god and everything else we miss about being younger. I promise it will feel just as much like home as the bed you leave every morning to hit snooze.

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Birthday Wish-list:

1. To feel at home

2. To allow myself to

~M